119. What are 55 things you should (not?) say to your kids?

In this week's episode we evaluate a list of 55 Positive Things to Say to your Child to see which ones hit the mark and which ones are just hollow words. 

With all the content out there that tells everyone how they should act, and what they should say, we wanted to take the time to see just how solid some of the advice is. 

We go through the importance of proactive communication, avoiding hollow words in favour of specific feedback, and how to use open ended questions as much as possible. 

Enjoy!

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Transcript

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Like, how is it still out here

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: now? You can see why

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I get frustrated every time I come and get stressed.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: But I had a water bottle somewhere. You did, too.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Are you too far away?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: No, I'm about.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I know I am.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Does the cane need to be up?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I just have it at like

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: like 25% 1st quarter.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: We'll change it. If it's not.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: it's too high. It's tinny.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: no doubt about.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I do sign.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Hello, Sir, Hello.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: how's it? Going?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Good,

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: real? Good.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I,

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I'm excited that, we've added this extra layer of

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: leave ability to our parent and podcast? What does that mean?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Oh, children, screaming and banging and running around. Yeah, I have a topic for today. But I'm tempted to switch it up to

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: what do you think good etiquette is? When you're out and about in the world?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Well, yeah, that kind of ties into some of my frustrations, too.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: It's unbelievable it truly is. I thought we got away to a quiet room. Yeah. And it's louder.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: We're staying in a condo type place right now.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Yeah.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: for some peace and quiet, and to wash a lot family of elephants rolled in from California boas. Yeah, every time I come. That's crazy.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: It's unbelievable. And it's always

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: with kids.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: which is fine, but they run around and they scream, and it's so loud it is very loud.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: It's very loud.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: yeah.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: like it just goes to like just the disheartening of

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: humanity. I guess not just the kids, but

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I mean, even just like we live in Calgary, and our

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: water main break broke

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: this last week.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: So we came

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: to catch up and work to have some quiet.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and to do all our laundry in a place that has water. Yeah.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: do our share.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: But you know, even in the crisis, like just people, will you even know some1? 0, I had a rough day. So I'm going to make an exception for me to use all the water that I want.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: It's not even neat right?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: It's the rationalization of your wants.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and people are really good at doing that now, yeah. And people were still like, we're on a water ban. And people were still, I don't know what the situation is now because we came here, but

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: out watering their lawn. And right and it's it's just disheartening like. And this is, you know, when I talk about to

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: like resilience and and

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: things. You know how the world has changed. I mean, this is part of it

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: that we were just talking about this the other day, like

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: in before the eighties. People believed in the goodness of each other and believed that my neighbors will look out after my kids. We're all in it together. Right? We all come together. We're in it together. We don't have that anymore. Nobody trusts their neighbors. Nobody trusts other adults. What are you doing talking to my child. People are scared to talk to other people's children. Actually a woman. Just the other day I was at a Rugby match, and one of our neighbors

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: don't don't know them. Just walk by in the mornings every so often with our dogs.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: But we start talking. Oh, your daughter plays Rugby, and, you know, like she come up to me in the mornings on her way to school last year, almost every day, and we would just start talking, and I always worried that people would think that I was a weird neighbor talking to the kids. And I'm like, that's so sad that you feel like

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: that. You can't talk to your neighbor like the kids in the neighborhood. Anyway, I'm on a rant. Sorry

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: just everything, every and then, yeah.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: The etiquette piece. There's just a lack of consideration. It seems a pervasive lack of consideration, right? Like.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: yes, everybody should be free to do what they want

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: to a point

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: right? And I get it like we've had little kids like I get that sometimes that it's tough, and you can't

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: really contain them as much as you'd like. But the same time.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: unless they're getting

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: the kids to move furniture, I'm not quite sure what event, what they can be doing up there, and it's getting louder. It's getting louder. And I thought we came to a quiet room. I actually kind of hope it comes through, because then it won't sound like, we're crazy. People be like, Oh, yeah, that's really loud. So if you hear anything in the background.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: let us know in the comments. It sounds like they're they're jumping. They're jumping off the bed onto the ground because it's bet you can tell they're trying to get.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: maybe or not.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: But that's what they're doing. They're jumping off the bed out of the floor.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Guaranteed

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: they're on the top floor of a very

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: thin floor. Yeah, if I ever run for government that's going to be one of my platforms. No children above the ground floor, no children in restaurants after 5 o'clock, unless it has animatronic animals. Then you can go all night.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: anyways.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: anyways.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: So I

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: have a topic today.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: What I came across was there. You get all these lists of

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: things to say and things to do and how to act. All this like, for parents

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: came across one.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and it's 55 positive things to say to your child.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and I would love to get your opinion on them, because I bet there's a few in here that are just gonna make you not a little bit. Some are. Some are totally fine, and hey, if we go 55 for 55, then

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: we're great, but I don't think we will, so you're up for it.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I'll say the phrase. And who wrote this?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Yeah, probably some mom in Indiana. And this is the other thing that I'm just irked about. Just if you look at a lot of the parenting books and the popular parenting books that have come down over the past 2030 years, they're by these parenting experts that have no background at all, no understanding, no research.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: anyways.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: But they've created life. Therefore they're an expert, I suppose.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Ready this might be. This might be more interesting than I thought today.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Alright, number one.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: you are helpful.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: good, good! That's a good one. But I would go further to say, specify what it was that you were helpful with, and how it was helpful, perfect.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You were right. No.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Oh, is it like that's number 2? Okay. But I wasn't saying you were right about the 1st thing I'm saying, number 2, as you were right. So these are all okay. So they're saying, for sure, it's not yeah, so yeah, and I just did this the other day. Hey? Thank you so much. You were very helpful putting the dishes away. And now I have time to hang out and play a game with you. Right? So we want to reinforce the behavior. But we need to be very specific. Why, how

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and the benefits, whether it's to me, and if we can throw in a reinforcement there like now, I have time to do something fun with you.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Number 4.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I'm grateful for you.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: What was the year rate?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: That was number 2. Okay, I skipped over number 3, because it's whatever okay, I can do. Number 3, number 3. I know you did your best.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Well, and even you're right. We didn't talk about that. Let's go back to okay, hey, everybody, thanks for the podcast today, I'm going to go through 55 things. But you said one. And I got confused.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Yeah, no, that's good.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You made me go back for that

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: like. Come on alright. Number 3.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You don't have to go through. Help me. Just don't tell it to me if you're gonna skip it. I know you did your best

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: kind of like you are the 1st 2 ports. See? I made it specific.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: It depends on the context. Yeah. So it's still too vague to do best with. What are you trying to reassure them and make them feel better? That wouldn't be good, either. Right? They're like, oh, I did so terribly on my test. Oh, well, I know you did your best. No, that that'd be perfect, terrible!

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I would say I would acknowledge the disappointment like sounds like that wasn't the grade you wanted sounds disappointing.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: So what did you learn right and then sit with it? And so what did you learn? What

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: for for next time. Yeah, I knew this list was good idea. Number 4. I'm grateful for you.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I would just specify. Why?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Might be the answer for all these, I'm getting the feeling. Well, yeah. And I think that that's good. But yeah, why is it grateful? Otherwise it's empty praise, right? That's the problem is, if we just say, Oh, you're so smart! Oh, you're so good! Oh, you're so! It's empty praise and breeds entitlement and

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: lack of accountability and lack of effort and so many I could go on list number 5.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You have great ideas like.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I'm adding the like, because I'm I'm seeing a pattern here.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Yeah, and then add like, that's such a great idea. Let's try it out. And you could do that, even if it's something they're like. Hey, can I have ice cream, and you want to say no. So instead of saying, No, hey, you have such a good idea. I love it. Why don't we look at

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Saturday, Saturday. Like when we can have ice cream for breakfast or something like that. I feel like, I'm really too low for the mic. Hopefully.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I love being your mom.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Yeah.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: to get more specific, that that's just props to you.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Well, I love being your. I still think we should give a little bit more. But sometimes that's just good, right? And again, the context, like when I see myself. If I were to say that to one of the girls, it's just. I'm hugging them. We're just having a moment of connection. And just I I really love being your mom. I do, I would add, because you're so thoughtful. It's like the time you bought.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: But yeah, but read the moment. But in the moment it's fine

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: number 7, I believe in you.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and it depends on how we're saying it.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: If it's a trying to make them feel better trying to change their mindset. That's not very helpful. But

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: in that moment of. You've just validated

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: their concerns, their feelings. And then it's like, Okay, so now, what are you gonna do?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I don't need to say the words. It's my actions like, when kids are learning to walk. Right? We're like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, come on, come on, come to mom and get up like we're smiling and we're encouraging. We believe in them, but we don't have to see the words. It's more in like how we embody that

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: beautiful.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: are important. Thank you. You're welcome. Number 7, no. Number 8.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You're important.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Thank you. Well, then, in response, I'll add, number 9, you make me proud. This is just a back and forth for you. And I know, yeah, I think the answers are very similar. Right? It it's what is the context. Again, if you're trying to reassure them if they're like. Nobody loves me, and you love my sister more. No, no, you're important. No like that's not helpful right? Anytime. We're doing it to try to make them feel better out of a funk.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: trying to reassure them. You know that's the wrong time to say any of these things. But if it is that moment of

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: we're calm, we're being thoughtful. We're being loving.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: How about Number 11? You don't have to be perfect to be amazing.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: That's that's some pinterest board stuff right there. Yes, yes, that's literally like etched on a piece of driftwood hanging in someone's bathroom.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: It just always depends so much right? And it really does, because

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I feel like somebody would say that in a way to try to convince their kids that it's okay. You don't have to be perfect

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: right, and that's when it. But when we're trying to convince them, none of these are good

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: which leads me in a number, especially if they don't believe it if they don't believe it, and we're trying to convince them. It's just gonna make them feel worse about themselves.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Great segue to Number 14.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Don't be afraid to be yourself.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Oh, no, no, no, please elaborate doctor. Well, because there's what does that even mean? What does that even mean

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: right? And we're we're probably trying to convince them about some aspect that they don't love about themselves right? Because if they did love that they were, you know.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: math champion.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: we don't have to tell them about loving just to be themselves. We're trying to convince them. And so the more we try to convince them we're creating this bigger. It's cognitive dissonance, right? That the story that everybody else believes or I should be. But I don't believe it. It just makes them feel worse off.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: And there's so much there's so many research studies showing.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: you know how, when we try to

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: can even convince ourselves of a story we don't believe just makes us feel worse totally, and we could be perpetuating that

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: number 17.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I understand you.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I would be asking them, how much do you think I understand? On a on a scale of one to 10, saying the words? If you have to have to say I understand you. I get it. I love you, but you're not showing it, and they don't feel it. Your words are meaningless. I you need to do. Yeah, I find any reference to understanding someone

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: so condescending, no matter what age you are. Yeah, because what you're basically doing is

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: you're basically saying, I get it. I've been there. I know I get any. And the immediate reaction, if somebody says it to me is really.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: really you understand me? Cool walk me through this right, but that it's it's funny, because that again is

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: one that would just as a kid I would be like, especially a teenager

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: if your parent came to you and said, I understand what you're going through, do you? Do you? Really? You get social media? Get all the pressure you get, all the do you?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Oh, back in 1986, when I had a scrap with my friend like it's not as ever the same.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: This family

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: would not be the same without you.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I like that in in certain. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, I have to. And in moments of that tenderness we're just connecting. We're just hanging out. We're in the the

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: the throes of

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: of connection. Absolutely nice.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: But again, if we're trying to convince them, no, that's Donald wouldn't be the same without like, then it's anytime. Yeah, if we're trying to convince them it's never helpful. So this one they believed in so much. They put it on twice on the same list.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You don't have to answer it, but I'm just going to call it out.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I know you did your best.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Number 3 and number 22.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: That's how much they believe in it. Yeah, I know. That's what's to do with the answer. Hey? If you really believe in something, it's important

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: again, that feels like it's trying to convince them.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Well, and also no.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: no, I've listened to my children, and some of the things that come out of their shows are not important, and they believe it wholeheartedly. So I'd have a tough time with that. It's the I'm more prone to ask open end questions right? So like if they were coming to me. And they're like, Oh, you know, I wanna be

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: on the Olympic team right? We're like, Oh, if you believe it. It's okay, so cool. My, my approach would be okay. So what do you need to do? Cool.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: awesome. I'm gonna support you. What do you need? What's the 1st step? So it's asking those open, ended questions.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: number 29.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Don't give up.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: We would probably say again, I mean thinking of context. We would probably say that

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: when our kid is frustrated.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: given up

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: stupid, I'm never doing this again. No, don't give up. Don't give up. We're trying to convince them right? No, it's not gonna be helpful. They're just gonna

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: now in the context of before, something happens to say you're going to like a game that they're nervous about, or they think it's going to be hard.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: is it? Then

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: it could you possibly say something like, Look, I know this game is going to be difficult, or I know it's going to be harder points.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Just don't you know? Do your best to push through it. Don't give up right well. And and so if we are proactive with a lot of things, then we can use some of these. So in this instance, like, I would make sure kids know our brain wants us to give up when things get hard. Even the toughest of the tough right even.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Oh, he's

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: he's insane.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: like ultra Marathon, or upon ultra marathon, or started out totally off topic, started out as like an insanely overweight dude and got ready to do. I think buds training for the seals inside of like a few weeks, and has like. Now his reputation is he'll he'll take on anybody anytime.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and he just

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: he does things physically that are just insane.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Tip him up. Actually, he's very interested. Dude I should. I feel like I I'm like that, except with the cold cold. I will give up.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: or children coming around upstairs sounds like they're trying to rip the doors off. Now. I'm starting to wonder that if the parents didn't come here to murder the children because something is being thrown around, and it might be a small human. I literally thought there just a second ago, trying to rip the doors off. So yeah. And and then I would call it out, okay. So when give her up, Mcgee shows up

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: right like you're doing this hard thing and like, when is giving up Mcgee gonna show up. And how are you gonna fight like talk back. And you take control. That's how I would talk about it

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: proactively. And what are you going to do as soon as we throw? Don't in front of something.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Our kids are more likely to do that thing right. And our brains, like that must be important. Don't run so obviously like they're automatically gonna run. Don't give up. Well, what are they supposed to do so? I would be proactively working when giving, you know, giving up, Mcgee shows up. What are you going to do?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Number 30?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I could never stop loving you

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: if we're not trying to convince them. I think that's my pat answer for everything

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: in the moment of connection. And we're happy. And yeah, I think that's good. Is there a risk that in a difficult moment where

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: you it's not that you don't love your kid, but you don't want to be around them in that moment, or you're upset, or you guys are fighting.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Does that open the door forward to them to be like you said you never stop loving me, and then you gotta hold him and fight in your hands.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Well, and that's why we have to have that unconditional positive regards. Right? Our love can never be contingent

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: on them being good

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: on anything. It can never be content. On this information I could have used 17 years ago.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: That's a problem. Although I am. Yeah, I gotta say I'm frustrated. It's not to say we can't be fresh. I'm very frustrated with my girls right now.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: but I still love them.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: but they're frustrated, and my behaviors will always be. I love you, no matter what.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I don't always love the choices you make.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: or the fact that you're in my atmosphere.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: we're just well. No, in that case it's like, I don't want to be around you. It's just. I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, and I need to

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: like go.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: you know, sensory deprivation for a little bit.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: That's my needs. It's not you. Would it be appropriate in that circumstance to simply put your hand on your child's face and gently push them away from you. Is that appropriate?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I think I did that once in there a little. I think you've done that to buy all the time like when she's being annoying delivery. I'll just put my head in her face and just push.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I'm angry. Nothing. I'm trying to hurt her just I need you about 3 feet to this way. But again we do like we have such a joking, sarcastic relation like, it's just a big joke and like. And they know it's funny, and they laugh right. What do you know what her response that is. She looks my hand. That's how she got me to stop doing that because I did it once, and she licked my hand, and I was Girl Scout.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: So now I have to try and get her on the forehead and slightly push with the PAL of my hand, and then she tries to bite me. So the oldest one is somewhat far is what I'm coming to a conclusion. Yeah, when you're in her in her business she tries to bite.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: licked my cheek like, and got like half a tooth and tongue on my cheek, and she's not great with color, like I'm pretty sure at some point when we were out of town she was left to be raised by a wild animal spider or something, because it just doesn't explain itself her way. What's wrong with utensils?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Have you watched trees, utensils, both with our children? Honestly, you know that movie now, where Jodi Foster is a kid in the woods that comes out is never watching the children eat some days. I that's what I think of. I'm like, have you never.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: ever seen cutlery in place before. I know I was watching one of our children not to name names like just 2 days ago. And it was like, really like, How is that even functional? How are you even using those? But have you watched my brother?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You mean a sibling of yours that we're not gonna name?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You only have one sibling, but let's try and keep it a little bit out of this. No, I can't say that. I've stared longingly on him while he's eating 40 year, old man. Interesting. So what I'm hearing is the Stuart side locked in on these Huns. We got it. Nail chopsticks. No problem.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Oh, my gosh!

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Oh, I can't say anything, can I? Well, I was gonna say, no, no, no. I was just gonna say like, Maya's got a friend

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: who they've hit it off

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and had never met before. The only reason they met was in the grad line up. Their last names are right next to each other.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and so

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: my! I was talking to my brother, and he's like, Oh, what's their last name? And I, said

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Smith, or whatever it's not really lasting. But it's Smith right, and he's like what

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: that doesn't make any sense. How could they be sitting next to each other and then include? And then it took him a second. I just looked at him. He's like, Oh, last name is Stewart. He for real thought. My children had your last name, I think, for 17 years on this earth

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: must have go, be next to it. Smith guarantee Jessica has filled out every card with our children's name on it, since they would. Why would they put our last name? They would never put our last name on a card. What a weird assumption, though.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: That's a weird. She just wasn't thinking.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I'm gonna call your brother after this

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: like, Hey, it's Andrew Bazanko calling, yeah, sounds weird, doesn't it? And then I'll just hang up

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Amen. Shall we continue? Yeah.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: hey?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You can try again tomorrow

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: again. That sounds like we're trying to convince them.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I would ask an open end. I'd ask an open end question. So what do you need to do for tomorrow? Or what have you learned from this? Here's 1 that I love because I've heard it

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: so many people in so many different facets. You're you are enough.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Yeah, what does that mean? Yeah, you're enough of what you're enough of annoying. Yeah, you're enough of whatever.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: And you know what

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: it's just that's just that to me. That's the one that made me actually save this list. It's too vague, and it's implying that there's something missing.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: that there is some sort of deficit. Oh, yeah, hey? 62% is fine.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You're almost there. You missed it by 38. Don't worry about it. You're fine.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: like out of the mass so quick in my head.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: it's okay to be scared.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I would say, of course you're scared. That makes sense.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and then it would be followed up with. That's why I waited outside in the dark to scare you. That's how you that interaction would go with you.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Well, it's like we. When we were exploring this like abandoned old theater. My start having a panic attack. I'm like, yeah, this is scary like, I'm scared. I it. You normalize. It makes sense. Right? It's not. It's okay. Cause it's like you're being be like, there's so many ways. Kids will misinterpret that.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Of course you are.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Is that similar to

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: scaring them by making them think that an interaction that they were convinced they had with you in the basement.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I forgot about that. You're making like she thought she was going crazy. Yeah, it was amazing. I didn't think I'd hold it together. But it was amazing. So for context.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I was down in the basement looking to make sure that the water bells for the outside taps were turned on so I could water Billy Yard right spring summer around here. It's not gonna be cold anymore. Johnny Law here this is the week before.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: So

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Maya comes out of the bathroom beside the utility room, asked me what I'm doing. I say, I'm looking pretty much that I'm looking for the water. Blah blah blah! She wanders away. I go upstairs. On the way. I literally open the door to her room to let one of the dogs and close it and keep going, so I've not only now talked to her, but I've opened the basement door and let an animal in and closed it and left.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I go outside. I do my thing. She comes out, and she's like.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: how long we been out here.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: What are you talking about?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Well, aren't you just in the basement to which

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: any normal father be like, yeah, I just talked to you, and I let the dog in your room, not this guy, not this guy. This Guy looks her dead in the eye, her sweet, angelic face.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and I went. No.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I've been outside for like the past 20 min. I cleaned the kitchen. I came outside. What are you talking about? And this went on for the better part of an hour where she was, and she asked me, I'm like, no, dad clean the kitchen and went straight outside. Yeah, and even will have got in on it and to the point where she was legitimately concerned for her own sanity.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and again, any good parent probably would let their foot off the gas pedal. Me! Nope buried that sucker I just kept rolling, kept rolling for a good 40 min. We are definitely pranksters, but I think it's actually helped our kids be more resilient. She was

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: so

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: like the second. I told her. I was kidding just you could see every emotion leaving her body like

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I'm like, oh, maybe she was legitimately scared. She was hallucinating. That's probably not good. But still it's funny.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: interesting.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: So this list of 55 is now down to list of 53, because there's another repeat.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: which is, your ideas are great. You know what? They're so great we'll put them on here twice.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You don't have to do what everyone else is doing.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: so this is one that we talk about. Social media is the big one.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: right?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: And

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: it's in context of

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: our decisions.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: right? As soon as we say, you don't have to do what everybody else is doing. They're gonna go and do it right, especially in those tween teen years, pure context. And that pure pressure is so big

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: we don't have to, though we don't have to endorse it. Us trying to convince them not to. You is never going to work. But I would never. Oh.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: all of your friends have social media. We better go do it right. We cannot get sucked into that, but we can't

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: force our children to follow it per se. If that makes sense

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: that makes sense.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: not everyone will like you.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: And that is okay.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Which is true, it is true. But again, we're trying to convince them to just let it go.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Don't worry about what other people think right? None of that's helpful. Yeah. People are judgy people suck

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: for me. It's more about the validation, right? So I'm assuming here. Somebody doesn't like them. They're coming home upset. So I just want to sit and validate that sucks. Yeah, it hurts when somebody doesn't like you. Right? I I that is more effective and more powerful than trying to convince them that everyone's gonna like you.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Well, they're gonna learn that. But right now they don't need to hear that right now. They need your love and validation. I've had conversations with the girls about this, and not that I would frame it as not. Everyone's gonna like you, but

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: but well, I guess I did. But it really comes down to one of the best framings I ever heard about. It is you can't control whether you're the villain in someone else's story right?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: And I just always thought that was a good way to put it, because it really comes down to you're going to interact with people. And you're going to interpret those people in a way that aligns with where you're at, and they're going to do the same, and you can't.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: as long as you treat them with as much respect and and

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: to, you know, don't go to your way to be rude. There's nothing you can do if they don't like you right? So don't waste the energy on trying to change that. If if it's really unsolvable, because I think to me I was trying to set them up that you're gonna come across kids that just people don't like you. Right?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: That doesn't mean you need to be pushover. That doesn't mean you need to have people be mean to you, none of that. But you can't control how people perceive you. If you've done everything you can to be nice, just keep going right.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: 98% of that was too much.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: too much words out of your mouth. I'm talking to you. I'm not talking to them. Okay, cause that would have been too much. But even still, like I, what I had said to the girls is, Wow, you've given away a lot of your power.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and then they gotta think, what does that mean? And actually, I had this very conversation with Willow when she was younger, like, like, I would say, 7 or 8, maybe even younger.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: and that's made, or stop and think so after the validation that's always the most important.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: And then well, what do you mean?

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Right? And then.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: just being able to like even just

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: getting upset. Somebody else said something. And now we're upset and it's ruined our day. So even though, like they don't care. They're off playing. They're doing their own thing. So we've had that conversation. And and but I'm not trying to convince her. Tell her it's just like, wow! It's just that comment. So she really had to think about it. And we we the conversation ended up lasting over a few days, her coming back to me, and wanting to ask more and inquire more. So

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: there you go. I just like to take a station identification break and acknowledge that the pounding has stopped. So either the children are in bed or the parents were successful in or victorious.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I'm not sure which, but I'm enjoying the silence.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: We're almost there. You're on the home stretch.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You have a choice.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Yep.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: but you've talked about this on the I like this one because you've talked about how you apply this. So it's your choice, right? This is accountability, privilege, and responsibility, right? So to have the privilege you. There is responsibility and accountability. So it's your choice. If you want to

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: enter this sister in the face, cool like. All know that you don't want to play Xbox if you hit your sister in the face, but I'll know you wanna hit play your xbox. This isn't me, because neither of them would hate each other in face, and and we don't have Xbox. So

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: we like, we don't have video games. But or I'll know you want to play if

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: you keep your hands to yourself. So it's your choice, kiddo. Right? So we have to lay the choices out, or I'll know you want to drive to school if you're in the car at 8 30, and I'll know you wanted to walk to school if you were in the car at 8 30. It's your choice. So thanks for letting me know you didn't want to walk to school, or whatever. Right? So it's laying out what those choices are.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Alright. Yeah. I mean, that's where you go with that one.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: okay, come more.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Your attitude can change any situation.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Want want like, it's just all of this

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: fluffy

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: like. Hurrah! Give yourself a high 5 every morning. So to me, the the issue I have with this one is.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: you can't sometimes change the situation, but you can definitely modify how you interact with it. That's the difference. But this makes it sound like if you just put on a happy face that bad situation is gonna be better. No, that situation may still suck.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: but you can determine how you're going to approach it or not, based on yeah, right? And that's that's to me the distinction on this. Otherwise. It's just a very toothless pen in the back of

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: you know. It's your really almost comes across, as it's your fault if you can't make every situation a good one, and that's why, like there's so much self help and so many depressed people like what's wrong with me, I should just be able to get myself a high 5 and be happy every day, and if you look at like a lot of millennials who will talk about, you know you, Gen. Xers and baby Boomers, and the Silent Generation. You talk about us entitled Millennials, Gen. Zs, but you were the ones who did it.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: So the ones you said, just dream it, and it will come true, and, like everything is at your fingertips if you just believe right. And so we've kind of created them that empty sort of raw.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: The rest of them really come down. They're all repetitive. You're a great friend. Never stop trying.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: which is the same as

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: all the other ones we've done.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: yeah, that's really good. See? The problem with these? I guess the big one is just. It is all just the empty vagueness right? And it but but we do them because it makes us feel good. It makes us feel good. It makes them feel good. Right? Well, it usually doesn't make them feel good. It's just gonna annoy them. But it makes us feel good. The things that we actually need to be saying to our kid are hard to say, and they don't make us feel good.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: right because they are hard, and they make us feel uncomfortable. But those are the things that we

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: need to say, yeah.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: that's it. That's the best summary we can have for that whole list. I can post the list in the show notes. Yeah, maybe part 2 is like the our list of things we should be saying.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: I think I've indicated what I would say.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Probably not the path people want to walk.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: You gotta have kids that are able to stand up to the way we interact with them. That said, though, I'd walk through fire if they need to be too

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: right. That's the difference. And they know that. And that's the thing with us. We can't say and joke around because we

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: they? They do know to the

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: bottom of their hearts how much we love them and how much we do care for them, and nothing is contingent.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Maya did realize that my love came with limits when we were in New Zealand, though well cause you went off in search of the kangaroo at the zoom, and we were in an unfenced area, with kangaroos wandering around.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Yeah, cool. I straight up told her that if it charged us she was getting thrown in front of the kangaroo. I wasn't taking it. So she's aware there's limits for sure.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Yeah, that's it. I love you happy, too.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Oklahoma.

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Dr. Caroline Buzanko: Yeah, they didn't go through all that.